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New Book for Parents, And for Grandparents to give Parents.

Parent Needs Advice
Let us know what you advise via e-mail.

Edited to preserve anonymity (---).

I have been reading all the articles on your site. I'm horrified at the notion of grandparents rights. I'm sure nothing I say will surprise you and I'm sure you've heard stories like this before. Regardless, this is MY story. 
I'm a 35 year old mother of 2. My son will be 5 in just 2 weeks and my daughter will be 2 a month later. My husband is 36. We're mature adults with the best interest in our children. My husband wanted the kids to have a relationship with his parents. The road has always been a bumpy one, but I agreed for their sake. When my son was 8 weeks old, "grandma" decided the formula I sent wasn't good enough and decided on giving him cold skim milk from the fridge. By the time my husband brought him home, he was in the middle of a severe reaction. HE was rushed to the E.R. and spent 3 days in the hospital. Regardless of the doctor's reports, to this day she insists she did no harm because it was ok 30 years ago. 

A more recent problem is that of peanut butter. You see, my son has a severe peanut allergy. She was told this several times and on one visit, brought my son into the kitchen and attempted to give him peanut butter crackers. When I saw, I admit, I flipped. I have seen his reactions and they are quite frightful to say the least. She sat there insisting that peanut butter crackers had no peanut butter in them! We argued whether to give them to him or not. My answer of NO was not sufficient enough for her! Then, this past Christmas, she put a tray of cookies out. Of course, some peanut butter ones. He picked the ones he wanted and I was instructed to stay in the living room (their house, their rules is the way it goes). I popped into the kitchen for my diaper bag when I saw peanut butter cookie on his plate. She blamed him saying he took it and it's not her fault! She was the adult in the room and to me, it was her responsibility to remove/check the plate before offering him a choice. Lastly, a month ago, it happened AGAIN. This time, she tried to give him nuts. I asked what kind and was told cashews. When I looked closer, they were mixed and there was peanuts included! My son has had reactions just to the peanut skins! She then
said she wanted to test him to see if he REALLY had a peanut allergy or was I wrong about it! How dare she! She obviously wasn't putting the best interest of my child first. She was worried about proving me wrong, regardless of his allergy tests, doctor reports and previous reactions. 

We live over an hour away and we don't come in to visit as much as she'd like. Also, our trips have been cut back as well as the visiting time with each family (mine included) due to my husband's promotion and --------. I just got served visitation papers from the courts! They are mainly to force us to come in more often and also to leave my children with them for visitation. My husband and I both agree that she's not trustworthy to leave our children with. We feel it's an unsafe environment. It's unsafe even when we are there. My in-laws ---young---so it's not like they are up in age and have problems understanding. I will not drive the ---miles alone with my 2 kids to suit her needs. I have needs and I'm not comfortable driving alone. I can't expect my husband to take time off work and jeopardize his job over this. His job is our only income. 

While I feel some grandparents should be involved, some should not be. I certainly hope this law does not put my children in the arms of danger. It is my job as a parent to make sure my children are safe and it's mine and my husband's job to decide who is in their lives and not. These rights can do some good for the grandparents, but there's always another side to the coin. They can do a lot of harm as well! I feel they have had their time to parent their children as they deemed fit. Now it's our turn and no one should take that right away from us! With my in-laws, they say they didn't have the amount of children they wanted and they didn't parent as long as they wanted to. That's not my problem. This time it's my turn to raise my kids. I am a stay at home mom with a husband who works for------------ and we have a brand new home. Our kids are well provided for and well taken care of. My son is -------will start Kindgergarten this coming year. He's so intelligent, we've been offered to have him advance to the 1st grade and skip Kindergarten all together. We were told he's on a 2nd grade level, but they can only promote to the 1st. This is all due to the time I spend with him. We have NEVER had a babysitter and have never been away from the kids. We're 110% devoted to them. I'm a proud mother who does the best job I can do with my kids. Both my husband and I are college educated and are respectable citizens. I expect rights of my own and I can't tell you how appalled I am that a grandparent who is so careless with small children can use these rights to get their way. I would love to say more (and I have plenty of other dangerous examples from visits with them), but this email is getting long winded. I'm sure you get my point.
This is something I hope you consider when you're fighting for your cause. 

Sincerely,

"What! You SLEEP with the BABY?" Grandparents are often surprised and sometimes shocked at their own children’s parenting practices. But it is actually common today for parents to sleep with their babies and even cart them off to adult social events, nestled in little baby carriers. This is indeed very different from how grandparents themselves were raised and how they raised their own children. Grandparents should be aware that these differences did not just emerge on a whim. In fact, most are based on knowledge accumulated over the past three decades from research in child development and parents’ observations and experiences.

Parenting experts today stress the importance of raising an emotionally secure child. Children who are securely attached to their parents are not only more well adjusted as children, but become happier, more independent and more mentally healthy adults than "unconnected kids." Attachment Parenting is a style of parenting that promotes healthy attachment and it includes techniques that maximize physical closeness between parents and infants. Physical closeness is important because it allows parents to be "tuned in" and respond to the baby’s biological, social, emotional, and cognitive needs. From the beginning of infancy, this means being sensitive and responsive to the child’s cues for hunger or comfort (e.g. fussing from hunger, crying for comfort). This type of nurturing helps lay the foundation for creating an emotionally secure bond between parent and child.

Staying in close contact with your child does not mean sitting by her crib all day and night. In fact, parents can stay in close proximity with their infant while still accomplishing their daily tasks. For example, parents can "wear" their infant in a baby sling or carrier while going about their daily routine. Since babies let you know when they have a need to be fulfilled, parents need not follow rigid schedules; babies can be nursed on command. Many parents also enjoy sleeping with their baby and have discovered that it is the best arrangement to get a good night’s sleep. Indeed, infants sleep better with their parents and so co-sleeping can reduce the number of night awakenings.

Attachment parenting is instinctive and in harmony with our biology as humans compared to more traditional parenting approaches. To illustrate, let us compare how traditional parenting techniques and attachment parenting techniques handle sleeping arrangements and crying. Traditional parents believe that babies should sleep alone in their crib, in a separate room, at a specific bedtime (they follow more rigid schedules). If the baby cannot fall asleep peacefully on her own, she can be left alone to "cry it out" until she falls asleep, often from exhaustion. In contrast, parents who use more "instinctive care" techniques do not let babies cry uncomforted and may bring their baby to bed with them on a regular basis. Although this may not be for everyone, in many cases it leads to a better night’s sleep for all. With increased physical proximity, the infant sleeps easily next to her mother. The mother, in turn, is assured that her baby is safe, warm, and content, and that she can quickly respond to her needs. Biologically, mothers and infants were designed to sleep this way and more often than not, find it quite natural.

To sum up, attachment parenting techniques are naturally designed to build the infant’s trust in her parents. The infant comes to learn that she can count on Mom or Dad to meet her needs. Her psyche is then "freed up" to explore the world, with the knowledge that she can return to a secure base. In toddlerhood, this may mean running over to grab Mommy or Daddy when a stranger enters the room. In the elementary school years, it may mean being able to focus on and enjoy school, with the knowledge that there is always a safe haven at home.

Dr. DeWitt is a developmental psychologist with a specialty in early childhood communication. If you have any questions or comments concerning this article, please e-mail Dr. DeWitt at gpfound@grandparenting.org.

Small, M. (1999). Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent. New York: Anchor Books.

Granju, K. A. & Kennedy, B. (1999). Attachment Parenting.

Sears, W. (2001). Ask Dr. Sears (a website). http://www.askdrsears.com.

Letters from Parents

A Parent's Advice

You know I have a comment to make. I am not a grandmother but a mother and
I empathize with grandparents. People many times forget about their parents when they are bringing up their kids. I think many times it is not intentional it is just that we get so busy with school activities, work, church and other events that we do not
take time to spend time with our parents.

I think the bible is very true. Honor thy father and mother. That even
means when you are grown and have children of your own. Try to include them in some of your kids school activities. Don't leave them out totally? I think some cases are very sad because they never really had a relationship
with their parents in the first place. If you do not feel you can trust
your parents with your child by themselves, don't leave them out totally.
Try and include them in a school activity or church activity where the child
is participating where there is supervision. Share information with them
and pictures. These little things mean a lot.

I just took my parents on vacation with me last year to Florida. We had a
great time. The kids went swimming in the ocean with grandpa, and he had a
great time walking up and down the beach collecting shells, grandma is
handicapped and watched in a lawn chair overlooking the beach. Grandpa and
grandma had not been on a vacation in years. They had a wonderful time, and
the kids did too! Remember parents, one day you will be old and asking the same questions. Why don't they come visit me, and why can't I see my grandchildren?
I think children learn many wonderful things from seniors.

A Parent's Lament

Have you ever heard about grandparents that don't like grandkids? My in-laws used to live 5 miles from us and months would go by without contact. They think kids are noisy and messy and used to not even go to birthday parties. They feel they had their time with their own kids. I am not asking them to baby-sit....I know better... but they do not even have any interest in my children. I asked them to fill out one of those "grandparent remembers"  books and tape bedtime stories for the kids but no...did not do it. They are not elderly...they recently moved to Palm Springs to golf. 

If anyone knows what I can get them motivated please let me know.

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Copyright 1998 by The Foundation For Grandparenting
Last revised: 10 Apr 2009