Grandparents as Spiritual Guides
When your Grandchild has Attentional Deficit Disorder.
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Grandparents as Spiritual Guides |
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When your Grandchild has Attentional Deficit Disorder. |
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Feature Article
Eminent psychiatrist Dr. James Lomax was kind enough to let us reprint his excellent article that recently appeared in the American Journal of Psychiatry. Our thanks.
James W. Lomax, M.D.
From the first announcement that Nancy and I were about to become grandparents,
there was quite a difference in our responses.
For quite a while, I had not arrived at the successful transition to grandfatherhood described by Calvin Colarusso (1), the intellectual heir of Margaret Mahler (2). For me, becoming a grandfather implied loss, the beginning of decline and deaththe ultimate separation. These differences were not lost on our 14-year-old youngest child, Lisa. She loved referring to me as "Gramps" and responded with a vociferous "over my dead body" when I, somewhat facetiously, suggested that the new arrival might refer to me as "Professor" instead of "Grandpa."
Thus was the status of our responses to our daughter Heathers pregnancy
when we arrived in
A former medical school classmate of mine had married the senior pastor
at Westminster Presbyterian Church in
Riley Jensens sermon emphasized how silent, attentive listening and what my mentor, Hilde Bruch, called "the constructive use of ignorance" allow one to respond to the unknown with openness and curiosity. The closing hymn, "Here I Am, Lord," was one I had often sung with Heather. The experience left me more receptive to what was about to happen.
Like most first labors, this was a long process. After a while, Heather changed from "No anesthesia!" to accepting an epidural. Unfortunately, the epidural relieved the pain but not a strong urge to push, and Heather was not dilating rapidly. Hours later, the anesthesiologist discussed saddle-block anesthesia. His advice and recommendations were medically unremarkable. However, they were given in an ill-advised manner, probably in an attempt to "lighten up" the situation. His comments were perceived by my large, powerfully built, and naturally tense son-in-law, Keith, as unprofessional and perhaps indicating gaps in competence. Keith sprang into the waiting area, obviously upset. He asked me to remain with Heather while he tried to calm down. Now it was just Lisa and I at Heathers side. Lisa looked over my shoulder and occasionally offered Heather ice chips.
I had anticipated being with my wife during labor. The thought of holding my daughters hand during her labor, however, had never occurred to me. In the midst of efforts to encourage and soothe, I was suddenly flooded with memories of holding Heathers hand as she learned to walk and ride her bicycle. I began to talk about the memories with her, asking if she remembered the things occurring to me. She easily joined me in remembrances that may have seemed unusual to the anesthesiologist and nurse.
At all such times, ones daughter is doing the hard work. A fathers presence plays a small but helpful role as she progresses to a new developmental stage. The lucky father gets to participate in his daughters excitement about her discoveries and her developing sense of mastery. I, of course, soon began to imagine holding our grandchilds hand while he or she learned similar tasks. Becoming a grandfather became being part of the continuity of life instead of decline and death.
Kandel differentiated procedural from declarative memory. Procedural memory refers to the "how to" of habits and skills such as playing the piano or bike riding. It is registered and recalled spontaneously by mechanisms outside of conscious awareness. "Being with" another person at transitional times can give even simple activities an emotional meaning. I felt a transcendent, spiritual connectedness with Heather, our new grandchild, and the timeless, "oceanic" experience of the continuity of life and living.
Both Heather and I were soothed by the sharing of those memories. The
rest of labor went smoothly. A little after
I left Grand Rapids a changed person. I was now a grandfather, anticipating a new sense of family and helping Emily learn to walk and ride. I thanked Riley Jensen for helping make me more receptive and Heather for the privilege of sharing in Emilys birth and her own transition to motherhood. My "birth" as a grandfather enriched other parts of my life, especially the generative acts of medical education. I was curious about how I would respond to whatever name for me Emily might choose. After I became a grandfather, however, Emilys shout of "Papa" evokes joy and delightno cringing at all.
Address correspondence and reprint requests to Dr. Lomax, Menninger Department of Psychiatry, Baylor College of Medicine, One Baylor Plaza, MS 350, Houston, TX 77030; jlomax@bcm.tmc.edu (e-mail).
Feature Article: That
Vital Connection: Grandparents As Spiritual Guides. <%#Dt9@%AER^Jt:ҙz $9T瑺4Oa uan ?TiS1ps&,^LRD=oUF nZxy}`YJRQ_Z/V1)@Ӟ
Arthur Kornhaber M.D. From the Grandparent Guide.
(see below for more articles)
One of your most important, and sacred, roles as a grandparent involves cultivating your grandchild's spiritual development. This is the role of "spiritual guide," A most powerful role that can have a profound and lasting impact on the moral path your grandchild will take, and his relationship with the numinous aspects of life. And because the limits of this role are boundless, if you are a stepgrandparent or if you have adopted grandchildren, you can fully serve as a spiritual guide to the young ones in your life.
SPIRITUAL ASPECTS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
The specific nature of your role as spiritual guide does not lend itself to description in clinical terms. We need another language to describe it. That is, because the spiritual aspects of the grandparent-grandchild relationship reach far beyond the biological, psychological, and social dimensions of human experience. It is easier to describe the smiles, the good times, the joy, and the warmth, the sharing -the sense of lifes true meaning - in emotional, sentimental terms, in poetry or literature.
Acting as a spiritual guide involves teaching your grandchild to harvest such fruits of the spirit as love, tolerance, compassion, reverence, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, faith and kindness. These tangible and intangible qualities are related to the deepest and most mysterious dimension of your relationship with your grandchild and find expression in the excitement and affection that you feel for each other
One level of influence you can have with your grandchild is to teach him to weave qualities of the "self" with that which is beyond the "self." Character traits such as honesty and reverence are of the self. Gazing at the heavens while contemplating the awesomeness of existence is an activity beyond the self. As is seeing more to life than meets the eye, the numinous dimension of existence.
You may wonder why this role as spiritual guide is especially important to grandchildren. After all, parents cultivate their children's spirits too, teaching ethics, morality, and religious values. The answer is that grandparent's teachings have an "extra" quality that supplements, not replaces, a parent's teachings. This quality is less purposeful and relates more to the numinous because it has its roots beyond the every day in wisdom, experience, a long view of life and an ever-increasing awareness of one's mortality.
As Carol, a 69-year-old grandmother said, "When I was a young mother, I looked at my children from a practical, protective, didactic point of view. Were they dressed correctly for the weather? Did they finish their spinach? Why was someone coughing? As a grandmother, I look at my grandchildren with wonder and see them as little human beings with their own unique characters. I wonder about what kind of human beings they will be when they grow up. I guess I am more philosophical now. These moments of observing from a distance were hard to come by when I was a busy parent. As a mother I was more concerned with the safety of their bodies and now as a grandmother I am more aware of their happiness and their souls."
In a similar place
Elders and children are closer to birth and death than the middle generation. They share a curiosity about a universe that the one has just entered and the other will shortly leave. In addition, grandparents and grandchildren inhabit a similar place in society, which reinforces their special spiritual connection, especially older grandparents and young children. Because they may be less involved in the purposeful, everyday world and have less responsibility, they potentially are freer to focus on the spiritual nature of their existence.
Being on the fringes of a busy society has, throughout human history, allowed grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren while the middle generations were involved with survival. As their physical abilities ebb, elders and grandparents become more relaxed and contemplative, their spiritual capacity expands to contemplate life's mysteries. These are the same issues that children are preoccupied with. They believe in angels and monsters and are able to live in their imaginations. Grandparent's can make their grandchildren's dreams come to life. The stories that grandparents tell their grandchildren often contain themes of wonder and fantasy, and transmit spiritual awareness and knowledge of the meaning of lifes mysteries, hinting at worlds beyond what their grandchildren are exposed to in everyday life (Timberlake (1992, Joseph 1968).
Having seen a great deal of life and having attained more emotional and spiritual maturity than the middle generation, grandparents life experience accords knowledge in the ways of the world, enabling them to deal openly with issues such as lifes meaning and our mortality. They have the time, attention and natural inclination to savor their grandchildren as something sacred (see Chapters 2, "Ancestor" and 5, "Historian").
Illumination and Transformation
Simply put, the spiritual aspect of the grandparent-grandchild relationship is about giving meaning to one another in a way that busier people dont have time for. The spiritual connection bathes both grandparent and grandchild in a sea of love, health and vitality. When connecting spiritually, a grandparent and grandchild illuminate and transform one another. This description, although perhaps sentimental, is founded upon years of observing interactions between the young and the old. I have seen it!
As part of an intergenerational study to gauge how the young and the old affect one another, I brought a group of elementary school children to visit a nursing home. One of the children involved in the study was a perky 7-year-old named Annie. When we entered the sitting room of the nursing home, Annie noticed a wheelchair-bound woman slumped in the corner of the room. The woman seemed utterly unaware of what was happening around her.
"Look at that granny over there," Annie said. "She looks lonely." A nurse told Annie that the woman's name was Mrs. Boyce, and suggested that Annie go over and talk with her. We approached Mrs. Boyce, and Annie squatted down in front of her, tilting her head so she could look into the woman's eyes. "Hi!" Annie said with a smile. Mrs. Boyce shifted in her chair. "Hello, child," she whispered. "I like your dress," Annie said. "It's cute." She straightened Mrs. Boyce's collar. "And this is pretty."
A nurse called me away to ask for some advice about her patients (I felt comfortable leaving Annie with Mrs. Boyce in the recreation room under teacher and staff supervision while I went into the nurse's office nearby). The other children were all involved with the residents, too. When I returned from the nurse's office I noticed that Annie was not in the recreation room. A nurse told me that Annie had wheeled Mrs. Boyce back to her room. I hastened to the room, and there I found Mrs. Boyce sitting straight up in her chair combing Annie's hair, the two of them chatting away. Mrs. Boyces affect and physical activity, indeed her very essence, was completely altered from that of only a short time ago.
This is an example of how spirit works between the young and the old. I recognize it defies scientific explanation. Nevertheless, it happens! While Annie was clearly enjoying herself, Mrs. Boyce had undergone an amazing transformation. There was now life in her movements, her eyes were bright, and she was full of energy. Something within her had been "transformed" by Annie. There is no medical explanation to explain Mrs. Boyces transformation, although studies conducted on intergenerational social programs show increased health, attention and vitality among elders who mentor children (Bower 1991, Caren 1991, Cerrato 1990, Ozer 1992). It is this mystical, spiritual, power that is generated between the young and old that illuminates and transforms them both.
TENDING THE SPIRIT OF YOUR GRANDCHILD
It is these hard-to-pin-down qualities of "illumination" and "transformation" which seem to be the true essence of your role as a spiritual guide. Your spiritual communion with your grandchild means tending the spirit of your grandchild and teaching the way to goodness and tolerance, kindness and understanding. It is a role that is so often ignored or overlooked in todays society, and yet is so important as a powerful countervailing force to toxic social teachings that fill children's minds with messages of violence, hate, intolerance and sadistic sexuality.
Children, especially in todays "de-spirited"2 times, need to experience the spiritual dimensions of life. No other relationship is better suited to helping this happen. Since spirituality is linked to unconditional love and acceptance, the grandparent-grandchild bond has the unique capacity to remain in the dimension of unconditional love. It is one of the last repositories of this special human relationship.
Spiritual Language and Spiritual Action
You guide your grandchild in matters of the spirit with thought, language and action. When talking to your grandchild, use a language of the spirit. Words such as "kindness," "compassion," "understanding," and "selflessness," evoke spiritual thoughts and open your grandchilds mind to another plane of existence.
By acting in a moral, ethical and honest manner, you are setting the example for your grandchild of a spiritually evolved lifestyle. Your grandchild will notice if you make a point of paying the correct price at the movies, for example, or sticking to the speed limit posted on the highway. This may be "picky" in the mind of an adult, but is a powerful message to a child.
Involve yourself in spiritual activities. Knowing that you volunteer at a hospital, attend a place of worship, respect religious traditions at home, demonstrate reverence for nature, help others who are less fortunate, demonstrate kindness, understanding, tolerance for diversity and compassion toward others, helps your grandchild recognize you as a guardian, and example, of spirituality in action.
If you are religious, show the positive aspects of your beliefs. Many grandparents in our studies allude to the "strength" they derive from their religious beliefs. With the parents consent, use the philosophy, language and rituals of your religion so that your grandchild may carry your religious torch on to the next generation. Discussing your own spiritual views and experiences serves to heighten your grandchild's spiritual consciousness. You may want to show your grandchild how you use your spiritual beliefs for strength and understanding. This makes a powerful impression on children.
There is a tradition of grandparents passing on religious beliefs to their grandchildren. A 1993 survey I conducted with 100 middle-class Caucasian grandmothers found that 73 percent reported having learned religion from their grandparents, and 49 percent reported teaching religion to their grandchildren. Another 16 percent said that their children had chosen a different religion but allowed the grandparents to teach their own religion to the grandchildren. Only four percent said their children are of different faiths and do not want them to talk about religion with the grandchildren.3
Michael, a 40-year-old native-American, said he saw his grandfather "talking to God," after Michael's father was killed in action in Viet Nam. "I was a child when we found out that my Dad was killed. One night I was playing out back and I heard my Grandpa singing and talking to the Great Spirit, what you would call God. Grandpa didn't know I was there. He was talking and crying and he was talking to my Dad up there too, hoping he was well. I was a little scared but I thought, Wow! My Grandfather is talking to the Great Spirit. That night I looked at the sky and tried to find my Dad and I talked to him, too. I talked a lot and it felt good."
Even though hard science can't explain it, some researchers attest to the value of a spiritual connection. In a study examining grandparent caregiving (Minkler, Roe 1993) the authors noted that "prayer, reading the Bible, and turning to God were the most frequently cited means of coping" for grandparents raising their grandchildren. The Grandparent Study has also found that spiritual activity, especially prayer and meditation, are often cited sources of support for many grandparents. This is especially true for many of those involved in the Grandparents' Rights movement who were deprived of access to their grandchildren. Many say they find their strength and perseverance through their spiritual and religious beliefs.
Many grandparents show a grandchild how to connect with the numinous in times of stress. When Rosie, 16-years-old, and three months pregnant, was abandoned by her boyfriend Manny, she was devastated. Her parents thought it would be good for her to get away for a weekend and visit her grandmother Consuelo in an adjoining town. Consuelo was known as a healer or "curandera" in the area, and was often called upon to minister to the sick. Consuelo took Rosie to early mass at the local church and told Rosie to light a candle to Our Lady of Guadelupe, Consuelo's special saint. "You are never alone," she told Rosie, "there are guardian angels that watch over you." They lit another candle on Sunday morning. Rosie said she felt better about her situation and was no longer in as much anguish over Manny. Sunday afternoon she miscarried her baby. Rosie returned home, went back to school and resumed her life. "I learned from my grandmother that I'm never alone."
Even if you do not follow a religious belief system, or you have no spiritual beliefs at all, you can still guide your grandchild to develop spiritual qualities. Take reverence, for example. Eloise, 55, is an atheist and a painter. When she is "stressed" she takes walks in the woods and sketches flowers. "The forest is my church," she told her grandson Felix 5, "and it is alive." One afternoon she took Felix out for a walk. He was throwing rocks against a tree. "Dont' do that, dear, you'll hurt it," she said. "The tree don't feel anything," said Felix. "Yes it does," Eloise said. "The tree is alive." Eloise walked over to the tree and hugged it. "Come on Felix," she urged, "hug me, and hug the tree." Felix hugged Eloise and then proceeded to hug the tree. "You smell better, Grandma." Felix squeezed the tree as tight as he could. "I hear a sound." Eloise answered, "It's the tree's heart, dear."
Blessing Power
There is a natural tendency for the young to give credence to what I may term as the "supernatural," or spiritual powers of the very old. I saw this demonstrated many individuals, in many cultures. For example, the Native Americans I worked among give great credence to the "blessings" grandfathers and grandmothers have the power to give to individuals, babies, solemn unions or decisions. Varied religions have accorded Elders the "power" of blessing, which assure health and success--blessing marriages and religious rites of passage.
Children know the power of blessings. Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of "My Grandfathers Blessings" is a physician who treats people with chronic and terminal illnesses. In her lovely book, she describes how her grandfather blessed her when he finished praying.
"When Grandpa finished talking with God he would turn to me and say, "come Neshume-le." Then I would stand in front of him and he would rest his hands lightly on the top of my head. He would begin by thanking God for me and for making him my grandpa. He would specifically mention my struggles during that week and tell God something about me that was true. Each week I would wait to find out what that was. If I had made mistakes during the week, he would mention my honesty in telling the truth. If I failed, he would appreciate how hard I had tried. If I had taken even a short nap without my nightlight, he would celebrate my bravery in sleeping in the dark. Then he would give me his blessing and ask the long ago women I knew from his many stories-Sarah, Rachel, Rebecca, and Leah- to watch over me.
Although the power of blessing may be driven by a specific belief system it nevertheless remains that, as a grandparent, your own approval (in the form of an invocation of God by a blessing) can carry significant clout for a child. Kami, 28 years-old, would not marry until she could return to India with her fiance to obtain her grandparent's "blessing" for her marriage. "They are older and wiser," she said, "and I believe they know what is best for me. Ever since I was a child they would bless whatever I did if they agreed that it was good. My grandfather and grandmother would place their hands on my head and we would pray together. They blessed my idea of coming to the U.S to study. Now I want their blessing so I can get married to an American and live in the U.S. permanently. With their blessing I know that I am protected."
SPIRITUAL DISCONNECTION
When the spiritual connection between grandparent and grandchild is ruptured it can cause great pain and suffering for all those concerned. These wounds go deep, affecting the spirit as well as the psyche. The rupture of a close grandparent-grandchild relationship not only results in making both parties emotionally upset, it can go deeper, penetrating the spiritual layer of the persons being. This further "de-spirits" them, leading in many cases to mourning and clinical depression. Yoki, 55-years-old, said, "My heart is gone," after she was told that her grandson and his parents were moving to the other side of the country and she knew that would no longer see her grandson every day. The spiritual wounds are especially severe when parents (see Chapter 42, "Legal Issues") intentionally separate grandparents and grandchildren.
Viewing the grandparent-grandchild relationship from the spiritual point of view offers compelling reasons why a close grandparent-grandchild relationship can be seen as sacred and should be protected, honored, and respected. To be an effective spiritual guide, take the time to ask yourself the following questions: What does spirituality mean to you? How do you use your spiritual beliefs in your daily life? What specific spiritual values, beliefs or rituals do you want to transmit to your grandchild? How are blessings related to these efforts? Are there any impediments to transmitting your spiritual values? If so, what can you do to overcome them?
GUIDELINES
Here are some guidelines to help you celebrate this special aspect of your relationship with your grandchild and to better serve as your grandchilds spiritual guide:
Take time to think through your own attitudes and philosophy concerning this role.
Decide how you will implement this role in the most authentic way possible in the light of your own values, philosophy and experience.
Make your beliefs and intentions to be a spiritual guide known in the family, by word and example.
Coordinate what you intend to do concerning your spiritual or established religious practices with the parents
Spend time alone with your grandchild in nature.
Engage in a charitable activity with your grandchild.
Share your own spiritual experiences with your grandchild.
Listen to your grandchild's conceptions of the meaning of life, nature, and God.
Discuss the "fruits of the spirit" mentioned above with your family.
Demonstrate spiritual values in action and language.
Transmit religious beliefs when appropriate and with the parents consent (see Chapter 40, "Religious Differences").
Even those grandparents who profess no spiritual beliefs can teach goodness. Set an excellent personal example; teach generosity, kindness, and concern for others by engaging in charitable activities with a grandchild.
CONCLUSION
As your grandchilds spiritual guide, you show her how to cultivate the fruits of the spirit by teaching ethics, morals, and values and by leading a spiritually conscious life. Because you are uniquely suited to connect with your grandchild in a contemplative state of mind, you both are naturally primed to marvel and evaluate the mysteries of the universe in a profound manner. By so doing you will illuminate and transform yourselves for the better.
On This Page
When Your Grandchild Has ADD.
Comments on the Supreme Court Decision: Troxel vs. Granville
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When your Grandchild has Attentional Deficit Disorder. |
When your grandchild has Attentional Deficit Disorder
Introduction
A grandchild embodies everyones hopes and dreams; a child to carry the family culture, to surpass ones own achievements, to save the world. When a new baby arrives parents and grandparents expect a healthy child who will bring joy and happiness to the family.
It is a devastating moment when family members learn that this wonderful, and innocent, new child has a problem, will, will be developmentally challenged, and have special needs all through its life. And that these needs will have to be supplied by family members.
Often, the childs problem is of such a nature that meeting these special needs is more than two parents can bear. Heres where grandparents come in. As head and heart of the family, grandparents can offer a great diversity of help, directly to the child, and indirectly for the parents. For grandparents to assist, this to happen parents must allow grandparents to help. This , which can be hard for some parents to do. So Working together, parents and grandparents must work together to help each other accept the reality of having a challenged child and grandchild by through education, understanding, compassion, and the appropriate sharing of tasks. These are these are the the basic ingredients to ensure that the childs spirit flourishes, and the best medical outcome is achieved for the youngster and the family.
Grandparents Are Indispensable
As a physician I have learned that the personal involvement of grandparents in critical to fulfill their grandchild's special needs. In over 40 years of clinical practice I have come to count on grandparents for more and more help, directly for the grandchild, and to support the parents. This is a current trend; there are steadily increasingsteadily increasing amount of grandparents now directly raising grandchildren. Everyone involved with the child's care -- from doctors to parents -- needs to understand how to access the helping and healing power of grandparents.
The normal, healthy part of any child, no matter what problem the child suffers with, wants to love and be loved, to grow, to learn, to have freedom, and to have fun. Grandparents can be a basic, integral part of the network of resources that form an emotionally healthy, tension-free circle of security all people want for their children and for their grandchildren.
Getting involved isnt easy for most grandparents. First grandparents have to sort through their own thoughts, feelings and the way they are acting. They must come to terms with the issue in their own minds and hearts before formulating an action policy and begin to help others. Their own grief, disappointment, and denial are some of the things to consider.
Once these personal issues are dealt with a grandparent can make a commitment to help. For grandparents currently involved with a special needs grandchild, here is some personal advice help effectively. Following these guidelines will confer a sense of direction and authority concerning your grandchild's condition, and help you to give confidence and support to the parents.
Convene a family conference to ask the parents how you can help best.
Learn all about the child's condition. Discuss it with the parents and doctors.
Become a part of the child's world. Get to know the child's helpers. Visit the child's school, the doctor and other therapists.
Get involved with a support group for parents and grandparents.
If there is a charity that supports research into your grandchild's condition, get involved.
About Attentional Deficit Disorder
The clinical syndrome of Attentional Deficit Disorder afflicts approximately one out of twelve children, and five boys for every girl. The disorder can be present with or without hyperactivity. It is a confusing clinical syndrome to the family. Often the child looks fine and healthy but behaves in an impulsive way under differing circumstances. Therefore a child with A.D.D. visiting a zoo, or watching a favorite television program might seem to behave as any other child. But ask the child to something that requires concentration in something in which he is not interested and symptoms appear. This is why different people have differing opinions about the childs problems. Although intelligent, the child has trouble with concentrating, paying attention and controlling behavior on demand. This bewilders not only the confused youngster (who doesn't want to act in such a manner) but everyone else, most of all parents and grandparents (who often think the beleaguered parents are exacerbating, if not causing the childs problems. It is common for ADD to cause conflicts between both parents and between parents and grandparents. Untreated, this condition can seriously impair the child and create a great deal of marital and family turmoil.
For grandparents with an ADD grandchild, a great deal of maturity and compassion is necessary. To nurture parents and help grandchildren cope with problems,requires the shedding of old attitudes and behaviors and a major learning effort. It can be a painfully slow process of education and understanding.
Here is an example of the evolution in attitudes and behaviors of loving grandparents with an ADD grandchild. Their experience serves as a model of compassion, understanding and self-examination that we all should strive to emulate...
Dear Kids (you are still kids to us)
This letter isn't easy to write but here goes. A lot has happened since our grandchild was born. We remember the worry and nervousness that go along with any birth, the fear of the birth defects, the unknown...then the burst of joy when everything seemed to be O.K. Our expectations and hopes soared with your, as our grandchild appeared to be free of problems and ready to thrive in this world. We remember starting to watch you raise your child and we gave our advice generously basing it on the wisdom we had gained from raising you... youYou turned out fine which proves that we are experts! Then, as your child grew and started to present problems that you could not solve, despite our ever-so-helpful advice, we thought to ourselves that YOU must be doing something wrong. Both you, and we, his grandparents, were caught unprepared for the scenario which began to unfold before our eyes.
Behavioral patterns seen only in "other families" became a very real tragedy for you and was completely misunderstood by us. We muttered in the background, "If only they would...Whose genes...Not mine, for sure! Why do they indulge him? Nothing is wrong when he is with us!...A good old-fashioned spanking...! As our advice developed an edge, we were unknowingly joining the chorus that accompanied you as you moved through your daily routines with your child. You felt blamed from all directions. People in stores glared at you as you tried, over and over, to get your child to behave. You were constantly embarrassed by being "obviously" bad at parenting, unable to put our infallible advice to use.
The next bitter pill came when you let it be known that you were seeking professional help, not only for your child, butbut also for yourself. To us, who had based our philosophies of life upon self-reliance and religious principles, you may well have signed up with a witch doctor! We felt you were rejecting our tried-and-true ways, and were about to be exploited by false expert, who spouted mysterious labels ("oppositional)?" "ADD?" "ADHD?" "LD?" "fineFine and gross motor delay?") and other mumbo jumbo, who would take advantage of your gullibility, take your money...and do no good. We let you know of our misgivings, but we had gotten used to our weary voices and eyes, telling us, in response to our objections, what your so-called experts were telling you.
Thank God there was enough love in our family to weather those awful times, when we actually added to your burden. And thank God you listened to the experts! Finally, after years of heartbreak, all that mumbo-jumbo started to make sense! Gradually, we began to see that our grandchild was not just a spoiled brat. We began to recognize patterns in his behaviorbehavior, which were, at last, understandable to us, based upon principles promoted by your experts. We became more familiar with the jargon, as we tentatively entered what was, for us, foreign and uncharted territory. We, who thought we were educated, experienced and tough, are babes in the woods compared to you, you KIDS, who are now able to teach us. Now we can listen to you and HEAR you.
Although we have felt all along that we are in the same boat, now all of our oars are pulling in the same direction. It is still a rugged journey, but we hope it is a little easier now that we aren't sniping at you. So kids, please forgive us. We hope we can heal the hurt brought about by our misunderstanding of our struggle. Our hearts are filled with love and the best on intention for you and our grandchild. We are your flesh and blood. We want so much to help, that we pray that our clumsy efforts can provide some measure of comfort and support for you all! Thanks for hanging in there, until you could reach us and teach us. One thing we have learned: you are GOOD parents for our grandchild, the best. He needs you.
And now let us preach a little. We are lucky. We are bonded together by love, strengthened by the trials that could have fractured a less-fortunate family. Thanks to that love, we have a unified family-support group that will not waver, essential if our grandchild is to have a solid foundation upon which to build his life. We will always be here for you, if you should ever need an ear, a shoulder, or, God forbid, advice! That's what grandparents are for!
Love. Mom and Dad.
This letter was adapted and edited with permission from CHADDER, the magazine of the parent's organization for children with Attentional disorders. It was first printed in the 1990 Fall/Winter edition of our Vital Connections Newsletter.
If you would like more information about Attentional Deficit Disorder or CHADD write to CHADD, 499 Northwest 70th Ave. Suite 308, Plantation, FL. 33317. Or call (301) 306-7070
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The Supreme Court Decision: Troxel vs. Granville |
Recent Supreme Court Decision
The recent Supreme Court decision concerning Troxel v. Granville, although not directly related to Grandparent Visitation Laws, affords the opportunity to take a fresh look at this complex issue. The Grandparent Visitation laws relate specifically to grandparents petitioning the court for visitation on behalf of themselves (and their grandchildren) to maintain contact over parents objections. In Troxel v. Granville, Tommie Granville did not oppose visitation,. She only differed with the Troxels about how often they could see the children. Therefore this case is quite different from the most devastating cases where biological parent disallows all grandparent-grandchild visitation. Of course these difference have no effect on how the children are emotionally affected by this issue.
Nevertheless, the court missed a golden opportunity to make a statement American families need to hear. The statement being "when you have problems with relatives, get rid of the problems and not the relatives, and that children need to be heard in these matters." In other words how often do the children want to see their grandparents and can the adults accommodate their wishes! Hopefully the Troxels and Mrs. Kelly (formerly Tommie Granville) can work out visitation to the childrens satisfaction.
Some believe this decision might affect the standing grandparent visitation laws. That would be unfortunate. The grandparent visitation laws were established to give close grandchildren and grandparents an opportunity to have contact over the protestations of parents. In such cases ( different from Troxel v. Granville), parents want permanent separation of grandparents from their children. Over 40 years of research into this issue has shown that banishing relatives, and especially beloved grandparents from the nuclear family can often devastate children, may diminish parents in the childs eyes, can injure the parent-child relationship, and frequently results in causing permanent, and irreversible damage to the family. Besides breaking a grandparents heart and deeply hurting the parent in the long run.
Todays Visitation laws offer a boundary, and an opportunity to take a "time-out" in a sometimes head-long process of family destruction. Just the idea that a banished grandparent has some legal recourse to reverse the situation can make parents think about what they are doing, reflect upon a better course of action and thus limit emotional and spiritual damage to all concerned.
Like everyone else we wish we didnt need federal "laws" telling people how to run their families. Its too bad the Troxels and Mrs. Kelly couldnt work things out to everyones satisfaction. We especially discourage people to go to court over these issues, unless there are no other options. For a grandchild it doesnt matter who is right or wrong. Thats not the issue. They dont want to see their loved one feuding, and suffering. The issue is who is helping the healing process. Every case is different. But when parents lose their ability to manage family issues, how else, except for visitation laws can a grandparent petition for visitation in the name of a grandchild? How else can a child stop its family from being permanently fractured, or even save his/her parents from making the terrible decision of removing their own parents from their lives, often over a temporary disagreement?
The court says work it out at home. Thats fine for most people. Grandparents are there to help parents and children. Not hinder. But in the rising tide of divorce, remarriage, single parenthood, and family dislocation affecting so many parents who are trying to do their best for their families, a foundation of values is necessary to help; to give order and perspective, to provide guidelines for resolving conflict, to help and to heal.
Grandparent visitation laws supply some of these parameters. They dont meddle in family life. They offer a positive boundary. The laws imply a powerful message. They imply to the family "work out your problems and if you cant work out your problems then we can sentence your family to healing while relationships continue in an appropriate manner." The law maintains " we will try to spare you from you own impulsive actions until you manage the situation better." It tells the family what to do, not how to do it. It implies someone is in control in a positive waythis makes children feel safe.
We espouse this position based on our research since 1970. Following are some of the findings upon which we base our comments.
it is not uncommon for parents and grandparents who have been through bitter battles to reconcile in later life.
many grandchildren deprived of seeing their grandparents by their own parents get together with their grandparents when the child comes of age.
many children of banished grandparents bear deep resentments toward their own parents for not sparing them from, as one child told us, "grown-up problems?" "I love everyone so why did I have to suffer?" Most of these children never tell their parents how they really feel.
because of the issues brought to light by the grandparent visitation laws many grandparents have visitation written into divorce agreements. As a result children benefit because their contact with grandparents are maintained.
Troxel vs. Granville is now behind us. We wonder what the children would say? Grandparent laws still stand. Lets hope that parents begin to understand the terrible implications of banishing grandparents from the family and find other ways to deal with grandparents they find exhibiting offensive behavior (we will try to contribute to this effort on our site with helpful tips and advice). This is a wonderful message to children and a testament to their own maturity. When legal intervention is necessary the principle of sentencing the family to healing through mediation must apply. To implement this option grandparents must have the right to petition the courts for visitation.
Summing up, the grandparent visitation laws offer the court an opportunity to sentence the family to healing when the abilities of the parties concerned to do are exhausted. This alternative is good for everyone. Parents and grandparents can work out their issues without permanently destroying the foundation of the family, so important for childrens mental and emotional health. Children see their elders trying to work out differences without banishing each other from the family. They appreciate being kept out of it and relating in a loving manner to all. This is a great example for parents to set for their children, and worth some sacrifice of their own actions. Parents dont have to deal with the guilt of removing their own parents from their lives. Grandparents too must examine how they are part of the problem instead of the solution as is expected from older people with more life experience. Of course people may not get along perfectly but thats O.K. too. Children can live, and learn, with differences. Thats why they are given two parents, four grandparents and eight grand-grandparents.
Parents, grandparents and society must know that love for the child must supercede animosities of the adults. The former is permanent the latter most often is transitory.
"Get rid of the problems and not the people" is the correct message to send to our children. Thats why the current grandparent visitation laws should not be tampered with. Furthermore children should be considered more in these matters. Removing a beloved grandparent from a grandchild causes harm to the child. Thats what it is all about. And hopefully, one day the grandparent visitation laws will never have to be used.
Features
Exciting Events. Stories
Grandmother Bridges the Distance:
Here's a creative way for long-distance grandparents to bridge the distance.
Since my grandsons, age 6 and 3, live in Boston,
and we live in New
Jersey, we cannot participate in many of the experiences of their daily
routines. A year ago Christmas I bought the popular childrens' classic, "
The
Mouse and the Motorcycle," for my older grandson and began to read it to
him during the holiday when we were visiting. Since I could not finish
it during the time we were in Boston, I continued to read the book over
the phone when we returned home. Well, that was the beginning of a
wonderful nightly routine that has bridged the distance between us,
expanded his literary horizons and vocabulary, and best of all, created
a unique bond between us. After the initial chapter book was finished,
we went on to read the other two books in that "Ralph S. Mouse"
series,
then went on to the E.B. White classics, "The Trumpet of the Swan,"
"Charlotte's Web," and " Stuart Little." Since that time, 16
months ago,
we have read dozens of chapter books and discussed them together each
night. Some of the books we have read are : "Mr. Popper's Penguins,"
"
Heidi," Charlie and the Chocolate Factor," "James and the Giant
Peach,"
"Pollyanna," "The Wizard of Oz," "The Wind in the
Willows," "Flat
Stanley," "The Voyages of Dr. Do little," "Henry and Ribsy,"
and all
nineteen of the original Boxcar Children mysteries. We are now stuck in
the new Boxcar mysteries because Andrew loves them so much he won't
allow me to consider any other genre right now. I would like to begin
biographies next, but for now the gentle Boxcar mystery stories allow
for some excited discussions and problem solving. We have also just begun
"The Littles," about tiny people, no bigger than a pencil, who live in
the
walls of a house.
Sometimes I am put on speaker phone and little brother and Mom participate in
the exchange which accompanies the reading of each book. I am very selective
about
the books I choose, making sure that they are imaginative, well written,
and uplifting for a young child. As for the phone bill -- I negotiated
for the lowest possible long distance rate and Andrew and I take turns
calling each other. What price can be placed on the relationship
between grandparents and their grandchildren? It is worth much more
than a phone bill.
The author is a retired librarian and
wrote "I do not mind if grandparents wish to contact me for advice on
recommended reading. It is important to be selective and safeguard little minds
while also stimulating them with good literature"
If you wish to
contact the author email your request to us and we will forward it on.
Grandparents In Europe: Croatia: Two stories by Dr. Kornhaber
Story 1- Staying Home. Stepje in Croatia
Imagine what it would be like to have parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and great-great grandparents with different nationalities! Imagine that each succeeding generation was raised in a different culture and had to speak different languages. And, imagine this all happened to people without them ever moving from the village of their birth! This is what most grandchildren on Croatia experience today; like Stepje, a 15 year-old cheerful and gregarious youngster
Of course having ancestors
that come from different countries is nothing unusual for most Americans. Most
of us have ancestors that lived in different cultures and spoke different
languages. They came to America as immigrants, most to flee adverse living
conditions in their native lands. These immigrants brought some of their culture
with them. But eager to become "Americans," gave up the old ways and
encouraged their children to learn the ways of their new land. This meant their
children should give up the old language and to speak only English.
Stepjes situation is different because conditions in Croatia today are so
"topsy-turvy" when compared with the American experience. Because of a
history of centuries-old wars and invasions different cultures established
themselves in Stepjes. country In contrast the American experience, the
cultures changed but the people stayed in place.
Today, Stepje and his
countrymen are happy that Croatia received its independence from Yugoslavia
in 1992. But before Croatia became a free republic, his country was occupied by
France (Napoleon), Austria, Germany, Russia, and Serbia (to name a few) if we
only count the past two centuries,.
As a result Stepje has a rich and very diverse family background. Although much
of his familys relics and possessions were destroyed during the wars. Stepje
has had heirlooms passed on to him. Stepje wears his great-grandfathers
traditional red cap made of Turkish felt. At ceremonies he sports his
great-grandfathers medals from the first world war as well as ancestors
medals from the Napoleonic wars. He prays with his great-great grandmothers
rosary beads from Austria. At traditional ceremonies he wears the same garments
his grandfathers wore before him. His ceremonial garments were newly created by
a 90 year old neighbor who still knows the "old ways" of embroidiery.
His family has given him diaries from generations of ancestors written in
different languages that he cannot understand. He is to pass these on to his
children.
Stepjes ancestors.teach him how to survive. "My grandfather told me," he smiled "that his grandfather told him to never forget that our country is always invaded by others and we were too small to fight the big countries so we had to be smart to