Temperament
and Personality
by Arthur Kornhaber M.D. Fromm "The Grandparent Guide."
Your
personality and temperament not only affects your growth and development as a
grandparent it also has a profound effect on your relationship with your
grandchild. It is common knowledge that the reason some people get along better
than others can be ascribed to similarities in personality and character. This
also holds true for the relationship between you and your grandchild. (See
Chapter 26 “Favoritism”). Of all of the personality factors that can affect
your relationship with your grandchild, it is both your “temperaments” that
are the most important.
Temperament
is a quality of character that determines the emotional and psychological
similarities and differences between your and your grandchild. How your
individual temperaments “fit” together, for better or worse, are a major
factor in determining how seamlessly you get along. This applies whether you are
a biological grandparent, stepgrandparent, or have adopted grandchildren.
And it holds true whether you live near or far from your grandchild.
ALL
ABOUT TEMPERAMENT
Temperament
can be best described as a pattern of thinking, behaving, or reacting that we
possess. There are many variations of temperaments. Observe the personalities of
your family and friends. Notice how
some seem full of life and enthusiasm, while others are more laid back or even
lethargic. Some talk incessantly,
others rarely speak unless spoken to. You may have a friend that is a reserved
"intellectual" and another who hates to read.
Maybe someone in your family is a "party person" and others are
happier by themselves. All of us possess specific traits that drive our
attitudes and behavior. These traits are related to temperament.
Temperament comprises an important part of what we describe as our "personality." For example, people described as having an "outgoing" personality usually possess the temperamental traits of an extrovert; i.e. they are usually verbal, like to socialize, and have a good sense of humor. Those with an "ingoing" personality prefer solitude and limited social activity. All of us possess a unique mixture of temperamental traits that influence us in a variety of ways. And each type of temperament can be an asset or liability depending on the circumstances.
Temperament
affects us intrapersonally—inside of
ourselves: How we deal with ourselves inside—personally-- through our
thoughts, feelings and actions. How we think about ourselves; interpersonally-
between others and ourselves: How we get along with other people and socially: How we get along with groups of people.
What is important to keep in mind is that people who share similar temperaments attract one another and tend to get along well. People with dissimilar temperaments may rub each other the wrong way or even antagonize one another. The adage that “opposites attract” is appropriate only if someone is looking for a good brawl.
Types of Temperament
Psychiatrists
Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess (1968)
have described the qualities of nine different types of temperament.
Answering the following questions related to each type of temperament
they describe will make you conversant with this idea and help you to learn a
bit more about your own (and your grandchild’s) temperament.
·
Activity
Level:
How active or passive are you? And are you a “morning person” or a “night
person?” Are you full of pep or lackadaisical?
·
Regularity
of Patterns:
Are your work, feeding, sleeping and other habits orderly or chaotic?
Is regularity and consistency important?
·
Approach
or Withdrawal:
Do you respond to new situations with hesitancy and reluctance or enthusiasm?
·
Adaptability:
Are you resistant to change or easily adaptable to new situations?
·
Threshold
of Responsiveness: Do
you react quickly to new situations or does it take a while for you to respond?
Do
you hide your feelings?
·
Intensity
of Reaction:
Are you emotional
and respond with much feeling or are you unresponsive?
·
Quality
of Mood:
Are you an "up,"- optimistic and cheerful, or pessimistic and slow to
warm up to people?
·
Distractibility
does your mind bounce from subject to subject or can you stay focussed for a
long period of time? Are you highly organized or laissez-faire?
·
Attention
Span and Persistence:
Do you have difficulty to listening to others without losing attention?
Do you have trouble sticking to a task until completion?
From
this constellation of traits, three temperamental "clusters" have been
create that are used to categorize individuals as easy,
difficult, and slow to warm up.
The categories describe people who are easygoing, those who are hard to get
along with, and those whom it takes a long time to get to know. For example,
people who are approachable, relate easily, are energetic and optimistic are
"easy." Others who are shy, pessimistic, agitated, or always moving or
talking may be more difficult to relate to. Those who are slow to adapt to new
situations, do not like change, and have a low level of responsiveness are
"slow to warm up." Of
course, this has nothing to do with being a good, kind and loving person.
These
categories can be helpful in understanding what is going right or wrong between
you and your grandchild. First, take a moment to consider how would you
categorize your temperament? Now
think about your grandchild’s temperament?
Are they similar or different? Are
you easy with one another or do you tend to rub one another the wrong way from
time to time? Do your personalities “fit” with one another?
“Fit”
You
and your grandchild will automatically get along well if your temperaments "fit."
As Ossie, a 72 year-old grandfather said. "I’m an early riser
and so is my granddaughter, Leshawna. When I stay at my daughter's house and go
down to make coffee early in the morning, there is Leshawna with her little
shining face. She always pours out the orange juice for both of us ‘cause
we’re the early birds in the family."
Clara, a 49 year-old grandmother, recognizes her fit with her grandson
Sonny. “Me and my grandson Sonny
are two peas in a pod. Same interests, same way of looking at things.”
The
concept of fit extends beyond temperament. Other personality characteristics combine
with temperament to affect grandparent-grandchild "fit." Sometimes
an exaggerated dose of a particular personality characteristic can cause
trouble. For example, an over emotional grandparent (tending toward the
"hysterical" in psychological terms) may tend to over-react, or worry
too much in the eyes of a grandchild. A slightly paranoid grandparent,
expressing fear and caution too often, may frighten a child. A highly organized
grandparent might upset a grandchild with an obsession for manners, order and
neatness to the point where the child will not enjoy spending time together
because he can’t do anything “right” in the eyes of a compulsive
grandparent.
On
the other hand, when balanced in a healthy way, the same traits can offer
positive lessons to a grandchild. An emotional grandparent can be a lot of fun
and teach spontaneity, openness and imaginativeness. A cautious grandparent
teaches alertness to danger. A compulsive grandparent can teach orderliness,
thrift and neatness.
Obviously,
similar personality types will have similar interests. Good athletes will play
together. Singers will sing together. Emotional people will emote together.
Nature lovers will enjoy being out in nature together, and so on. A passive
grandparent and grandchild may play cards together for hours. A compulsive
grandparent and grandchild might enjoy cleaning house together or playing with a
computer. Artistic grandparents and grandchildren will draw, or design clothes
together. 9-year-old Rebecca said, "My Grandma teaches me manners and how
to set the table really nice. It's just she drives me crazy because she always
finds dirt after I clean up."
It
is important to be aware of how the factors I have mentioned affect your
“fit” with your grandchild. If there is a personality, temperament or
personal interest mismatch, watch out for trouble.
Elvis, a 62-year-old grandfather, is an “easy”, active, and
aggressive grandfather. He was a very active athlete in his day and still tries
to play sports whenever he can. Although
Elvis has continually tried to get his 10-year-old grandson, Josh, involved in
sports, Josh is “slow to warm up”, shy, and is not athletically inclined.
"I hate baseball and soccer, " Josh said. "I'm afraid of getting
hit in the face by the ball. In fact one day I did and my nose bled really hard.
I am not a good athlete. " Elvis admits being "turned off" by
Josh's lack of enthusiasm. "I love Josh and I though I could share my love
of sports with him. He is kind of, I hate to say it, but he’s kind of chicken.
Fortunately Elves made some adjustments in the activities he shares with Josh.
"The most enjoyable thing we do is fly kites together and play
computer games. At least we have
that in common. I guess I'll have to
settle for that."
Rowena,
a 59-year-old grandmother, has a similar problem with her grandson who
"never sits still. I'm losing
weight trying to keep up with him. It’s
just constant. He never stops.
I'm not the most energetic person. I am waiting for a nice calm
grandchild."
Acknowledge
the Differences
Having
a difference in temperament from your grandchild does not necessarily mean you
are going to have problems. Once you acknowledge and understand the nature of
the temperamental differences, you have made the first and most important step
in finding your middle ground.
It
is also important to understand that the "fit" you share with your
grandchild is dynamic, and thus will change as your grandchild matures.
You might "fit" better at one age than another.
An imaginative grandfather might be a big success spinning outrageous
yarns for a "magical-thinking" four-year-old grandchild. But he'll
have a bit more difficulty convincing a literal seven-year-old of the veracity
of his stories, and may even be angered by the child's relentless rational
questioning. A compulsive grandmother might have trouble with a rebellious
two-year-old whom she may label as "disrespectful," yet she may take
excellent care of compliant infants or older children who have attained the
"age of reason." An adolescent may relate with greater interest to a
working grandparent actively involved in the world than one who is isolated and
uninvolved. In fact grandchildren who end up working in the family business
usually "fit" well with the parent and grandparent who work there. The
ones who do not fit usually move on---the stuff of which drama is made.
BLENDING
TEMPERAMENTS AND PERSONALITIES
If
you have a grandchild with a temperamental makeup different from your own, you
have to find a middle ground to reach her. One
"hard-livin" Mississippi grandfather, self-described (and proudly I
may say) as a "loud redneck," solved this problem by taking his very
shy granddaughter fishing. "She don't have to say a thing when we're
sitting out there waiting for the catfish to bite," he said. A sedentary
grandmother found a way to have fun with her hyperactive grandson by playing, in
her words, "knock-down, drag-out card games.
We also go to the movies together to see action movies.
That seems to hold my grandson’s attention."
Finding
the middle ground can sometimes be difficult if you are going against your own
nature. Understand that it's not
personality differences per se that cause relationship problems.
It's the way they are handled. There is no right or wrong when it
comes to temperament. We are not
responsible for the way we are made. We are, however, responsible for what we do
about it.
One
mistake many people make is to criticize one another for their differences in
temperament instead of accepting the person the way they came into the world.
Criticizing the other person will most often drive them away and set a bad
example. Harry, 68-years-old, learned this the hard way. "We had a great
time together when my granddaughter Flo was a baby. When she got to be five I
found that I was nagging her because she always kept forgetting stuff and
leaving stuff around. Sometimes she didn't pay attention.
I started to poke fun at her sometimes because she just seemed to not be
thinking. Actually I nicknamed her 'airhead' but I didn't say it in a mean way.
One day my daughter-in-law came to me and told me Flo was unhappy with me.
She told her Mom that I was mean. Well,
I was floored, let me tell you. Sick to my stomach was more like it. I did
something about it quick. I love Flo. I
took her on a long walk and we talked. I
told her I wanted to know what she thought of me and she told me I hurt her
feelings and she didn't like to be called airhead. So, I apologized for hurting
her. I told her I wasn't the most sensitive person and that she was teaching me
to be more sensitive. I said I would
not call her airhead anymore. And I
stopped all the nagging. I can tell
she’s much happier now when we’re together."
·
Know
thyself. Assess your own temperament
in terms of its assets and liabilities. See the categories above.
·
Know
your grandchild. What type of
temperament does she have? How do you fit naturally? Are you both an easy fit?
If not, where are the differences?
·
Make
adjustments in the light of this new awareness. Find the temperamental middle
ground and spend lots of time there.
·
You
grow and change. Children grow and change rapidly too. Be alert to the fact that
your “fit” might change, too.
·
Serve
as an example. Teach everyone in the family about temperament, announce your own
temperamental liabilities, and let your family know how you manage its
challenges. That is a great example!
Be conscious of your own temperamental makeup as well as that of your grandchild. If you "fit" with one another, all the better. If not, do some "detective" work. Identify your differences and make an effort to find a common ground where you are both at ease. Set the example and watch your relationship blossom.