Stepgrandparenting Issues

The Art of Stepgrandparenting
Tips for Stepgrandparents

Forum. A discussion of the many facets of stepgrandparenting from all points of view. Send you advice to gpfound@grandparenting.org.

Grandmother needs advice: "My husband is a stepfather to my son who has recently had a lovely baby boy and maintains a relationship with his natural father. The concern has come
up as to what the baby should call my husband. My ex is being called
by a traditional name. II don't want to confuse the baby by having the same name.
Do you have any alternative names we can use for the baby to call his
step-grandfather? Any light you can throw on the subject would be greatly
appreciated. (Edited to assure confidentiality).

Grandmother needs Advice

My ex-husband and I had 3 daughters together during our 20-year marriage. The oldest daughter is married and now has a 1-year old. She is planning on allowing the baby to call his step-grandmother (my ex-husband's new wife) grandma. 

I object because this woman used to be my best friend, and had an affair with my husband while we were still married, behind my back. I don't feel she should have that privilege; that it belongs to me and to his paternal grandmother.

Is there anything, anywhere that I can read for opinions on this? I have been crying for a month, and do not feel I can emotionally handle listening to him call her "grandma". I need some validation or confirmation on whether I am out of line or not. 

Please help.

Stepgrandmother Needs Advice

I am the stepgrandmother of a 13 year old grandson and 10 year old 
granddaughter whom I had a daily close relationship with all of their life 
until 2 years ago. 

Their grandfather, my husband of 16 years has a very bitter ex-wife. She 
will never let go until the day she or he dies. This is a silent reason 
behind the problem. Money is the other, yet never spoken. We did everything 
for these adult children and grandchildren for years. About a year before 
the separation we begin to do normal things and the less money we gave the 
more they pulled away until it was over. Money is my opinion. My husband 
did not have money until we married so the anger is directed at me.

I'm not sure even now after several court hearings why they terminated my 
contact with the children. They have told several stories and changed the 
"reasons" six times. My husband won visitation with the children and I 
received the blessings of the court. It is now on appeal in the Alabama 
Court of Civil Appeals.

I would like to find out more on stepgrandparents rights. The 13 year old 
wrote me a letter which was admitted in court and really caused a stir with 
the judge screaming and yelling at the parents. 

All I have researched does not give me much rights. I would understand this 
if I was not still married to their grandfather or if I had not been a daily 
part of their lives for so long.

We have spent $25,000.00 in the last 18 months and still have not spent one 
day with the children. The lawyers don't care, have no time to really get to 
the truth, to busy to get to the next case and $$$$'s.

I know, no matter what happens in court, these children will never forget the 
love and times spent together as a intact family and I will see them one day 
as adults. It is not right to lose all the years of growing up or the love 
and support we could have given them. We are missing so much now because of 
an angry mother who has told so many lies to our son.

Have you any advice?

Please e-mail us your response.

Did you know that an increasing number of grandparents are becoming stepgrandparents? A recent study noted that one third of grandparents interviewed had at least one stepgrandchild. And while most grandparents "acquire" stepgrandchildren when their own children re-marry, or when they themselves re-marry.

The Stepfamily Foundation reports that stepfamilies are growing by approximately 50,000 people a month. Each day 1,300 couples with children under 18 remarry. Seven million children, or one out of six, live in a stepfamily. Remarriage of parent(s) can potentially involve the addition of four stepgrandparents for a child.

Happily, when we ask children about stepgrandparents, the old "wicked stepmother" tag doesn’t seem to apply. Researchers Furstenburg and Spanier asked twenty-five newly remarried subjects how their children and stepchildren got along with their spouse's parents (stepgrandparents). The stepgrandchildren's views were reported to be essentially positive. Three out of ten stepgrandchildren saw their stepgrandparents at least once weekly.

In another study, Cherlin and Furstenburg noted that stepgrandparents typically do not exercise a high degree of authority over their stepgrandchildren (which may be one reason they get along so well). In interviews with twelve stepgrandparents, they identified two variables of significance in the relationship. The first was the stepgrandchild's age at the time of the remarriage: the older the child, the less likely it becomes that the stepgrandparent will be important in the child’s life. The second factor was whether or not the stepgrandchild lived full-time with the grandparent's adult child. In the people studied, tension appeared reduced for stepgrandparents who didn't have to visit their grandchildren and stepgrandchildren at the same time (makes sense, one-to-one relationships are easier).

In a further study, Trygstad and Sanders studied stepgrandchildren's perception of their stepgrandparents. They noted that, "Most of the stepgrandchildren in this study viewed their stepgrandparent not only as someone they cared for as an individual, but also as someone they respected." Their study showed that "stepgrandchildren maintain contact with their stepgrandparent beyond high school; the majority of respondents wanted more contact with stepgrandparents; almost half the respondents viewed their relationship to their stepgrandparent as important; the relationship was perceived both personally and socially."

Some factors influencing the quality of the stepgrandchild-stepgrandparent relationship included satisfaction with the parent's remarriage, the importance of the relationship with the stepparent, and the respondent's age when he/she became a stepchild.

One grandmother in our Foundation’s Grandparent Study emphasized the importance of the age factor, "I got her before she could walk .. so I filled the grandparent place in her heart."

But real life in a stepfamily may not always be as smooth as these studies suggest. Many children are seldom quick to adjust to the demands of getting to know and accept a stepparent, stepsiblings, and stepgrandparents. However, our studies have shown that if stepgrandparents go gently, and are available, without asking for any reward or feedback (such as verbal declarations of the children's love and respect) the majority can develop significant attachments.

How The Bond Works

The degree of emotional attachment between stepgrandparent and stepgrandchild can be understood on a continuum. At one end, the two have a symbolic, titular relationship, with no significant attachment. At the middle of the spectrum, the relationship becomes more substantive. Moving towards the far side of the continuum, the stepgrandparent can serve more and more as a friend, mentor, caregiver and role model. Stepgrandparent and grandchild can develop a close and loving bond.

Stepgrandparent availability, both emotional and geographic, also affects the quality of relationships. One close stepgrandmother who lived within walking distance of her eleven-year-old stepgrandson said, "I work at home so I am always there for Paul. Whenever he gets home from school he comes to my house for milk and cookies in the afternoon. His parents work and his grandparents live too far away to do him any good on a daily basis. If it weren't for me, he'd be a latchkey child."

Stepgrandparents need to relate to members of the extended family and especially the stepgrandchild's caretaker as well as the child's other grandparents. They must consider the child’s other grandparents if they are in the picture. These family arrangements can be fraught with emotional complications that stepgrandparents must identify and address if they wish to smooth relationships with others.

Stepgrandparents and children can have meaningful relationships. In our studies a strong attachment was observed to develop between seven stepgrandparents and stepgrandchildren over a period of twelve years. In this group all of the stepgrandparents identified with the feelings of one stepgrandmother who described her stepgrandchild as "my own." This positive feeling of attachment was echoed by the stepgrandchildren of this group.

Tips For Stepgrandparents

When the time and circumstances are right, most children can accept a stepgrandparent. After all, the more people a child has to love, the better. When it works, a wonderful bond is formed for life between child and stepgrandparent. But often, it isn’t easy to make it work. Factors like the timing (early or late in the life of the family) of the entrance of the stepgrandparent; the age of the child (the younger the better) ; the conditions that create the stepgrandparenting scenario (death of a spouse, divorce, prison etc.) and the relationships of the adults in the family picture peace and understanding, hate, etc. ) affect and pace of acceptance by the child of the stepgrandparent.

To be effective, stepgrandparents need to be informed of how this process works. Often the stepgrandparent’s idea of how things will be do not match the reality of the situation. New stepgrandparents must be sensitive to other people (for example, a new stepmother of a teen-age girl will have a hard time no matter what. Children accord stepgrandparents little authority---Stepgrandparents of adolescents have a hard time when they have to assume any of the "police" function teenagers need.)

Stepgrandparents can get important clues about how to act from understanding the dynamics of the conditions that made them stepgrandparents in the first place. For example, if the child has no living grandparents, or lacks a grandparent as the same sex of the stepgrandparent—the stepgrandparent can easily enter the place in the child’s heart and soul for a beloved elder. After all there is no competition. When this works well it also deepens the bond between the biological grandparent married to the stepgrandparent because they have the love of the children in common.

On the other hand, if the child has living grandparents the stepgrandparent can be an important and loving friend — a value added to the youngster’s life. But the stepgrandparent has to be sensitive — letting the youngster come to the stepgrandparent and being aware of existing grandparent-grandchild relationships and what is happening in the family — there might be jealousy, envy and more. The effective stepgrandparent must be a friend to everyone. No easy task.

If a divorce and remarriage occurred, the tone of the relationship between the divorced parties impacts greatly on the acceptance of the stepgrandparent into the system. For example if the stepgrandparent is the "other" person in a divorce, the abandoned spouse will certainly not want to allow this "other" person near his/her grandchildren. When this happens grandchildren can become pawns in the battle.

"Timing" and the "readiness" of the child to accept another person is the most important criteria for stepgrandparent to assess before they step into the lives of children. For example, if the mother dies, and the father remarries, it may take a long time for the child to accept the stepmother walking in the mother’s shoes.

Therefore it is best if the stepgrandparent is an available friend, without any needs of his/her own for emotional attachment to the child. A childless man or woman, for example, who might want a close relationship quickly, and has a personal need for the child to love them, must learn to put themselves in the child’s shoes and not take anything the child (dealing with personal losses, loyalties, variable openness to a new person), does or says personally. In other words, stepgrandparents should try to be as selfless as possible. Emotional maturity is required.

Stepgrandparents shouldn’t try to rush things. They are well advised to wait in the family wings before entering a child's life. Many stepgrandchildren I have personally interviewed had to deal with profound psychological issues such as divided loyalties, trying to comprehend the circumstances leading to the remarriage of the child's custodial parent, working through the dissolution of the parent's marriage, and trying to make sense of a new family configuration. This is a tall order, and the last thing a child needs is to be expected to have an instant relationship with stepgrandparents. In fact, the children may even resent you at first because they see you as a "party-crasher" in their once secure family life.

Consequently, the watchwords for successful stepgrandparenting are patience, support, loving, caring and being non-competitive. Eventually, if you have stepgrandchildren, you can be a new friend and a new person for them to love.

Just be careful to let your new wards come to you. Be there for them when they are ready. Be consistent and reliable. Remember, don't try to win them over, and certainly don't try to buy their love with gifts. They need the essence of you, and in time you will become an important person in their lives. Children have no built-in limit to the amount of people they can love. As a stepgrandparent, you extend the child's intergenerational support system, and everyone benefits as a result.

Effective stepgrandparenting is an art, but it can be a source of revelation, great joy and wonder for those who undertake this role with sensitivity, tenderness and compassion.