Grandparent University
Lifelong Learning: wisdom, experience and the long view of life.
Some Questions To Ask Yourself About Grandparenting
From time to time it is important that we look into ourselves ... to examine our roles ... our relationships. This is especially important for grandparents in these fast-changing times. Here are twenty questions for you to ask yourself that will help you to assess how you are doing in your grandparenting role.
Your experience as a grandchild, and a parent, can affect your grandparenting.
Were you close to a grandparent when you grew up?
Were your own parents close to your children?
When you were younger, did you look forward to becoming a grandparent?
Being a grandparent means having a direct relationship with your grandchild. The ingredients of a close grandparent-grandchild bond are one-to-one time together with undivided attention.
How did you feel when your first grandchild was born?
Do you spend time alone with your grandchild?
Do you know what your grandchild expects, and needs, from you?
What are the things you can uniquely teach your grandchild?
Are you part of your grandchild’s daily life?
If you do not live close by do you keep in close touch with your grandchild?Being a grandparent also means having an indirect relationship to your grandchild by supporting the child’s parents.
Have you talked with parents about what kind of grandparent they would like you to be for their child?
How you can be supportive to them?
Have you told them what kind of grandparent YOU would like to be?
Can you communicate openly and freely with them?
Can you listen to what they say with an open mind?
Are you making an effort to be up to date with parents and grandchildren, being familiar with the world they live in?
Is your advice well received?
There are lots of obstacles that get in the way of being the best grandparent possible; distance, not enough time, being of different generations, different family forms, personality problems, divorce etc.
Can you see yourself as the emotional leader of your family, connecting past and future?
What obstacles are in the way of being the kind of grandparent you want to be?
Can you discuss these issues with the family?
Are you making a personal effort to remedy things that get in the way of you being the best grandparent possible?
Do you ask your loved ones for feedback on how you are doing?
Answering these questions will help you to assess your grandparent role. If changes are necessary, take direct action to remedy the situation. Like every other stage of life, Grandparenthood is about growing, changing, and learning. You can set a wonderful example for your children and grandchildren by doing all three.
Reference: "Grandparent Power." By Arthur Kornhaber M.D. and Sondra Forsythe. (Crown)
Questions of the Month:
What percentage of grandparents never use child safety seats when transporting young
grandchildren?
How do grandchildren of divorce think their grandparents can help best?
Question1:
QUEST FOR SAFETY GRANDPARENTS’ SURVEY FACT SHEET
Results of a new, independent survey commissioned by automaker Nissan North America, Inc. provide statistics on grandparents’ car seat usage when transporting young children:
21 percent of grandparents – one out of five – said they never use a child safety seat* when their grandchildren (eight years of age or younger) are passengers in their car.
40 percent of grandparents polled reported that their grandchildren rode in their vehicle an average of 3 times or more per month.
More than half of the survey respondents (55 percent) said they borrowed a child safety seat for their grandchildren to use in their own car.
Results of the Nissan’s Quest for Safety grandparents’ survey compared to a similar Nissan survey of parents with children ages six and younger, conducted last year:
Twelve percent of parents said they never used a child safety seat.
72 percent of parents polled and 52 percent of grandparents polled said that they worry about proper car seat usage.
One of the top concerns to both grandparents and parents was whether the car seat harness straps and retainer clip were adjusted correctly.
Other noteworthy statistics about grandparents and car seat safety:
* Child safety seat is defined in the survey as "an infant seat, child safety seat or booster seat."More than 5 million grandparents in the U.S. serve as primary child care providers for working parents (University of Michigan, 1999).
Child safety seats, properly installed, can reduce the risk of death in motor vehicle collisions by 69 percent for infants and 47 percent for toddlers, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA).
According to the NHTSA, as many as 80 percent of child safety seats may not be properly installed or used. SafetyBeltSafe U.S.A., the national non-profit organization dedicated to child passenger safety, estimates that as many as 95 percent may be incorrectly used.
For a breakdown of survey results or infograph artwork call 310/444-7000 and reference the Nissan car seat survey.
Question 2:
Grandchildren and Divorce
For more information about "How Grandparents Can Help in Divorce," we interviewed a number of children of different ages concerning their feelings about the subject. What the children feel and say can be used as a roadmap for grandparents involved in divorce situations to find their way to take positive action to help and to facilitate healing in family members.
"I try to remember that my parents and grandparents will always love me no matter what happens. But it’s a sad tragedy when parents get divorced, especially for us children. We love our parents but our parents don’t love each other anymore. Since I come from both of them what does that mean I am? They don’t want to be with each other. My sister and I are the thing that connects them. If we weren’t living they wouldn’t have to talk to each other anymore. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but I am also mad at them for getting divorced so I make trouble sometimes. But it’s different with my grandparents. They are together and I love them and am important to them. So I am good for them. They are older and I don’t want to hurt them, so I never make trouble for them. I know they care for me and my parents. I feel safe when I am with them and know I can always live with them."
"It’s very important for me to be able to talk with my grandparents about my feelings. Also for my grandparents to discuss things with me, especially what is going to happen in the future. When my parents divorced, I became frightened. My grandparents reassured me that the whole world wasn’t falling apart and that I would survive."
"If my grandparents criticize my parent who is their child it’s O.K. But they shouldn’t criticize my other parent, especially to me, because it makes me upset. I would rather not hear about the differences the grown-ups have. On the other hand, if something terrible is happening I want to be able to call my grandparents for help, but only when it’s serious. I live with my mother. One night she came back late without calling me. So I called my grandparents. They came right over. My mother came too. She said there was a mixup. She thought my father was going to pick me up. My father thought that he was going to pick me up the next day. If people make mistakes they are supposed to be learned from. My grandparents criticized my parents and it made me more upset. Grandparents should help parents instead of criticizing them. What good does criticizing do?"
"One thing grandparents can do is to give advice to the kind of person a divorced parent goes out with on a date. Parents don’t realize that children are frightened when their parents are divorced and go out with new people. That new person can be the new stepparent and kids can get scared, especially if they don’t like the new person. And then they have to make believe they like the person or their parent will get upset. And more if the parent likes the new person a lot."
"It’s important that my grandparents treat both of my parents the same. It makes me upset if my grandparents are against one of my parents."
"My grandparents will always love and encourage me. I wish my parents would be together but sometimes things can’t happen the way I want so I have to make the best of it...and being close to my grandparents is part of making the best of it."
Copyright 1998 by The Foundation For Grandparenting
Last revised: 15 Dec 2002
